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  • Fantastic jokes

    You Know

    A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said,

    “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said:

    “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

    The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.

    “Hey, lady!” it said.

    “Yes?”

    “You know.”

  • #2
    Macho Man

    Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

    His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

    Commentaire


    • #3
      The Attorney


      A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant:

      “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

      The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

      The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

      The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

      The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

      The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,

      “Ask him again where my damn money is!”

      The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

      The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

      The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”

      The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell…that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

      Commentaire


      • #4
        No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”



        Ghazatlou

        Commentaire


        • #5
          Lunch Box

          Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says

          “Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!”

          The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says “Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!”

          The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says” Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I’m going to jump off this building and fall to my death!”

          So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.

          That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying “I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me.”

          And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn’t sad about her husbands death, the blonde replies “Don’t look at me, he packs his own lunch.”

          Commentaire


          • #6
            Brew The Tea (infuser le thé)

            A European married couple Francois and Nadine, were having an argument about who should brew the tea each morning.

            Nadine said, “You should do it, because you get up before me, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our tea.”

            Francois said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for tea.” Nadine replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the tea.”

            Francois shocked and replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”

            So Nadine fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “Hebrews.”

            Commentaire


            • #7
              What Was That?

              Barbara has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

              “Will I die?” she asked.

              “Not yet,” God replied, “You will live for another thirty five years,three months, and seven days.”

              At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.

              She gets a face lift,botox, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even gets a surgery to change the color of her hair.

              After her final surgery, she walks out and gets hit by a truck and dies. When she goes up in heaven and meets God, she’s steaming.

              “What was that!?”Barbara asked.

              “What?” God responded, “You died.”

              “You said I would live another thirty five years!”

              “Oh.” God thought for a while.

              “I didn’t recognize you.”

              Commentaire


              • #8
                Hello BeeHive,

                Thanks for the fantastic jokes...

                Amazon

                Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German,

                “What do you want on your back for your whipping?”,

                The German responds, “I will take oil!”.

                So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

                The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?”

                “I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

                “What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American.

                He responds, “I’ll take the Mexican.”
                ❤️ ❤️ Two souls with but a single thought ❤️ Two hearts that beat as one❤️ ❤️

                Commentaire


                • #9
                  The Chemist

                  A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

                  The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

                  The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

                  The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water”.
                  ❤️ ❤️ Two souls with but a single thought ❤️ Two hearts that beat as one❤️ ❤️

                  Commentaire

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