Jokes in English

[BARDO]

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

"Dear, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test 2day, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, Because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill:

"Are u Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????".

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this 2night."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull rushes to the electric company office the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but 2 cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[Jigsaw]

A Prime Minister, who had a reputation for looking down on the members of his cabinet decided
to take them out for a meal in a restaurant !!!
He behan by ordering fish:

_ "And the vegetables ?" asked the waiter
_ "Oh! they'll have fish too" replied the Prime Minister

____________________________________________
During a meeting, there was a power cut. The boss asked everyone "Well, put your hands up in the air."
To the employees great surprise, the lights came back on.
_ "How did you do that?"
_ "Very simple" he replied "many hands make light work."
____________________________________________
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[BARDO]

Not bad at all JIG...How about those two? Please note that those are only ....Jokes!!

Joke 1.

Nixon, Breznev & Boudiaf met in hell and were granted permission to call their respective countries.

Nixon made a 15-minute call to the US and was charged 5,000 $.

Breznev made a 25-minute call to Russia and was charged 8,500 $.

Boudiaf made a 5-hour call to Algeria and was charged 35 $.

Obviously, the other two guys complained about the injustice and were answered, “It is hell here and hell there (Boudiaf place). So local call rates were applied”.



Joke 2.

A beautiful blonde met an athletic basketball player in a disco and invited him “for a coffee “ in her place.

To show off his muscles, the basketball player stated to take his clothes off.

She noticed a tattoo on his left arm, reading: NIKE.

She asked why the tattoo and was told it is an ad for Nike and the gentleman gets paid for it.

She then noticed a tatoo just above his right knee, reading: REEBOK.

She asked the same question and got the same reply.

Finally the basketball player took his pants off and she noticed a tattoo on his sleepy tool, reading: A.ID.S.

She got scared and asked why this dangerous message.

The basketball player replied: Don’t worry love. Be patient and touch me. You will soon discover that the tattoo actually reads: ADIDAS! (on full er......).

[Jigsaw]

Actually, Samuel L. Jackson is in his element in Star Wars movies. He's even trying to prepare his lines for the next movie by himself. Here are some revealed examples:

1 _ You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the moth**f**kin' droids you're looking for.

2_ Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy moth*****ker.

3. This is your father's lightsaber brother. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every moth**f**kin' stormtrooper in the room ... accept no substitutes.

4. If Obi-Wan ain't home then I don't know what the f**** we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.

5_. Feel the Force, moth*****ker.

6_. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?

7_. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.

8_ . Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bit** ? Then why are you tryin' to fu** him like one?

9_ . Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad As* moth*****ker.'
__________________________________________________ _____________
oe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

[Tiliwine]

I liked this one

[BARDO]

The Helping Husband

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

[Tiliwine]

What A Cleaver Husband

[BARDO]

Chinese Jews.....

Sid and Al, both Jews, were having dinner in a Chinese restaurant
During their conversation, Sid asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't
know," replied Al. "Why don't we ask our Chinese waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there Chinese Jews?'

The waiter said, "I don't know sir, let me ask," and went into the kitchen.
Here turned a few minutes later and said, "No sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are
you sure?" Al asked. "I check again, sir," the waiter replied and went
back to the kitchen.

While he was gone, Sid said to Al, "I can't believe there are no Jews in
China. Our people are scattered everywhere." At this point, the waiter
returned. "Sir, no Chinese Jews," he said. Are you really sure, man?"
Al asked again. "I can't believe there are no Chinese Jews." Exasperated,
the waiter frantically said, "Sir, I ask everyone! "We have Apple Jews,
Orange Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews. But no one hear of Chinese
Jews!"

[BARDO]

How To Recruit The Right Person For The Job

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.


And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in [B]top management!!!

[¤ Babyface ¤]

very funny

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello, Mrs. Ward, please.'


'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor George at the Medical
Testicular Laboratory. When your doctor sent your
husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the
results are either bad or terrible.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?'
questioned Mrs. Ward.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these
expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your
husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he
finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

[BARDO]

The phone bill...

Not bad babyface. How about this one then!!

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

[BARDO]

The Door Bell

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.

As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on!

There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".

"No way, it's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and

The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, And in a sleepy voice she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

[momo.05]

tssssssssssssss!

english joke!

[Tiliwine]

what a man CAN do ..........for a night KISS

[momo.05]

tiliwine!

wait!!

for a night kiss................